My 30th birthday is just 5 days away and I must come to terms with the fact that I will have no babies by 30. I’m not scared of it, I’m sad of it. October 2015 was when I found out I was expecting our first baby, I was 28 years old. We were one of those annoying couples who found themselves expecting on only their 2nd month of trying. I thought 29 sounded like the perfect age to have your first baby. You hadn’t hit that “old” 30 number quite yet, but 29 also doesn’t sound “too young.” I had experienced a lot of great things and had established a good career- we were in a good place and it just felt right. So, when my 29th birthday did come around and I was no longer pregnant by that point it felt a like a slap in the face. My world quickly began to feel like it had taken a completely different shape. I was no longer happy with my life, I was sinking under the feeling of sadness and grief. I was sinking under the feeling of having my “normal” life completely ripped out from underneath me.
5 months after my 29th birthday I experienced my second miscarriage.
At that point, I realized I wouldn’t even have a baby by the time I turned 30 and I won’t- not even close.
But, today as I was out running a few errands I had this sudden feeling come over me as I pondered my 30th birthday. While I’m still sad about it coming and going in a completely different way than I could have ever imagined a year ago, I do think something has changed for the better inside of me. For the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of happiness wave over me. Of course, it was immediately followed by guilt because how could I be so happy after two of my babies have died? But, still, somehow it was there.
Just because we’ve experienced a tremendous amount of loss over the past year and a half, that something that has changed has given me a different amount of appreciation over the little things that happen throughout life. My husband and I still deeply happy together, I still have a career that I love even more than I did then, I’ve got great friends and family members who are very supportive of nearly anything I set out to accomplish and that, that I can say I am happy about.
There is definitely a new sense of sensitivity. I have found myself being more lenient of others, being less judgemental and overall just wanting to like and be happy for people and who they are as people. I cry and weep at things much easier than I had in the past. I mean, just the other day I looked at my dog Sparty and just felt so overjoyed that he was my dog but also equally sensitive to the fact that his time, overall, is so short with us. Just call me the crazy dog lady, it’s fine.
Compassion- I have such a huge sense of compassion for other loss moms and the trials and tribulations they’re going through as they explore the world with this new label. PostPardon is here today because of that compassion. I know first-hand what these women are going through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone in the world. I continuously read stories and read quotes about loss moms and what they’re going through, who they’re dealing with and what we all need is more sympathy and compassion directed our way. A miscarriage often gets swept under the rug in comparison to other types of death, but it’s no different. Loss moms need to experience just as much compassion as someone would when losing a parent or a spouse.
I also think this new sense of happiness is physically connected. I have always had body image issues and going through a 2nd-trimester loss followed by a serious abdominal surgery followed by yet another loss does nothing for a person’s body. I’ve tried to be patient with myself and give myself time to heal emotionally before embarking on a physical journey but I feel like I am finally at the point where my body is back in better shape, I feel more comfortable with my body as it is and I’ve learned to care less about how others think of me. If you also suffer from body image issues, I highly recommend checking out Embrace.
So, while I still don’t completely understand life and I wouldn’t classify myself as beautiful, defeat, suffering, struggle, and loss has done something to my life. It doesn’t feel like a good thing, but eventually, there will be a moment in time where the bad fades away and something a little lighter replaces it. I hope it comes soon for you.
Oh, and if you’re turning 30 like me and are freaking out about not having babies by now. Read this, it helped me.